Thursday, 29 January 2015

I'VE GOT THICK SKIN AND AN ELASTIC HEART

le tigre. (vampire queen)

it's hard to get up in the morning - and cold.
the insomnia kingdom flourishes under my reign, translucent ghost creatures float through the air, teeth chattering.
i hide my body under clothing and wish i could just wrap myself in twenty kimonos. fleur the lys piercing my eyebrows.
my heart yields, yields and where did it hide this time?
jumping around like a wild animal. how to contain (it)?
it does rip my heart out but this feeling shows me that i am alive.
because what would the use be otherwise?
can not dwell with boredom and nihilism. there's flesh draped over my bones. but i wish i could carry myself far from this point.


i need home. need to strengthen my bones.
want my legs to be strong and to dance again, feel music, not just tearing my soul (in pieces).
words have to be my words and not just shadows.
i will rescue myself
I WILL SAVE MYSELF
from this gaping abyss
because it means everything to me - when i hear these tunes
so many reasons to live
demolish the cage, tear it apart, bar by bar
forty minutes, silence
stretch my fingers, wonder if they've transformed
eyelids open, sunlight blazing
two dots, touching, burning red
you are not who i thought you would be
lured me into thoughtlessness with your lovely architecture
your promises of a better, creative life
and i can't bear the bΓͺtise, the inanity anymore
every time i lift my my earphones and hope for sophistication
i am let down

i am so afraid of becoming an unsociable, strange thing

another one


 you all can't give me what i need and that worries me
i really don't want to hurt anyone but i can't pretend
i need to leave, there is no other way

used to be a monumental decision, now it is only waiting
but i CAN'T wait anymore, i NEED TO live
why is my life always in my imagination only 
this all does not have enough impact on my happiness or my dreams
so why not abandon it straight away?


i listened to Sia's 'elastic heart' what felt like 20 times today
and it made me understand and reflect again
gain composure to such an extent that i am able to write now

i oscillated on the seafront, with my bike - like waves. 
obliged to find a way of movement 
that imitates nature


if you can be my zebra lion 
i will be your dark vampire queen
moon/moon mirror face
blood
who's also got an elastic heart
stunned by beauty but not approached easily
too much passion for aestheticism and sophistication
but no believe in love for her
 it's easy to guess her feelings
she's bad at concealing
but likes to be other people
all these fantastic creatures that allow her to be genderless
(there is no flaw in this statement, is there)
a dandy prince, an ethereal tiger princess
a ginger elven … focussed on herself so as not to feel the pain
marching through this world on a quick stride
wants to disappear into nothingness at times 








take me home please

Thursday, 22 January 2015

Deutsch sei poetisch, Englisch theatralisch

German be poetic, English theatrical
'What does it tell you when an assassin can't shooting straight?' - means they're not really trying 
(BBC Sherlock - The Blind Banker)
every sunray is another reason to live
i can feel myself breathing
surrounded by shimmering colours
proud owner of tons of tea
and finally my voice is back to
its natural sound
celebrated my resurrection with fruit for lunch and mango as moon
lots of greens in the arctic zone
the neighbour of tea kettle
colourful fruits and veg represent life, spring

πŸ‰πŸ‘πŸ’πŸŠπŸ‹πŸπŸπŸ‡πŸˆπŸπŸ“πŸŒ
a bit more life
a bit more purpose
two envelopes were handed to me today
trying to convince me that I am not an
absolute failure
I was astounded
used to think good grades were awarded to me for someone must have had mercy on my poor insomniac soul (sarcasm?)
how improbable would it be though, to assume that on an academic level, were work is marked by more than one person, this could still be put into practice
no, it seems, that despite my utter dissatisfaction with my unorganised,  faulty work, the grades i received are really quite okay. 
I cant work before a deadline is right in front of me, rarely do anything before midnight. My sleeping pattern is as fucked up as can be.
Today I put on my exercise clothes, cycled down to the seafront, locked my bike and jogged on the beach. How endless the horizon is - so much beauty, do much pain. Yoga and being connected,  touching sand, iamamiwhoami in my ears ●○●
Reflecting lakes of pure fire
magenta, passion flower
lit by this ethereal endlessness 
We talked about seeing famous garments live in class today ... reminded me how I stood in front of Maiko Takeda's headpiece at the Faceless exhibition in Vienna, some time back, tears in my eyes, quite certain that no one else in this room would understand me. I did not feel sad because of that - everything made sense to me and I felt like I was in the centre of a circle that was about to join ends. All good. We shall not pine after our past,  but I wish I could remember more of the Haute Couture Exposition I've visited in Paris, in 2013. 
But I was in love back then and that was okay because nothing bad had happened then and I was just so infinitely light in spirit, innocent, unknowing. Just once with the city, with my dreams.
I am see-through, so it seems. It intimidates me when people tell me they know who I am. I feel quite uneasy talking to people, at times. I'd much rather be an actor, talking of the wonders of the world, be a work of Art,  impeccable in looks, and genderless. I want to portray an ethereal being and show my personality through my work.
Even though quite often immersed into the World wide web,  and despite my shyness - I would never equal chatting to real talk. And I do want to live, talk to real people, strangers on the street, like I did when I was 18 - listen to their wisdom and share my love for this existence. Human nature is a wonderful thing and as much as I'm a cyber kid and technology helps me work, hands - on experience, actually doing things - shooting on film and developing it - drawing with pencil,  painting with water colours,  sewing with my hands -- those are unbeatable things.  I want a real embrace,  not a cyber hug. Need to look a person in the eye and just feel this understanding.
I am too strong to feel let down anymore-- have to fight on my own.
Am the Tiger Princess,  after all.
☆☆☆

 

(c) alissa cha, 2015

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

watching movies in the night while working for deadlines

pride and prejudice
and miss potter

incredibly beautiful movies, greatly owing to the superb costumes and exalted british diction as to be found in traditional books -
what else is there to wish for.
feeling purely enchanted, delighted and hoping for everything to become better through making art, painting again
and sewing beautiful costumes and classic garments.
i shall be a dandy illustrator.

(cha, january 12th,15 - 03.27am)

morning thoughts:
i feel like a corpse, wandering through the night
not real at all, more like floating
everything hurts and my arms change colour
which is odd
i wish it were that easy to just do stuff for uni 
as it is to keep this blog
feel like really not living up to my full capacity
and i just dunno what to do with that realisation anymore
first of all i shall sleep
listening to the rain outside and my audiobooks
forgetting that i always talk about my sorrows which sucks
cause i am so full of light
normally

Monday, 12 January 2015

London in moving pictures // Think about life, about what you can do / week 12

 A trip to London. Short but full of insights, inspiration. Interestingly, against my expectations, it felt this time, like I would learn things from life rather than exhibitions. Other times when I went to museums, immersed in the artworks, I drew, contemplated and felt intricately linked with life and working.
In the three days that I've been in London this time though, it seemed to me that actually staying with people instead of isolating myself, participating, living, is a decision well made. For it is not of the highest importance to transcend into stages of some sort of higher understanding when one does it alone. Solitude is what robs the mind of energy, power to sustain itself - we cannot live without the touch of other humans - we'd perish.


These are some pictures from the V&A where we were able to admire some wonderful costumes of theatre plays and musicals, as well as a truly inspirational exhibition of the photographer Horst - unfortunately, we weren't allowed to document that. What was remarkable about it though, was the exposition featuring some original Haute Couture garments - what a feeling just to bask in their beauty, the breathtaking craftsmanship ….

Featuring a couple of impressions from the German christmas market … making me truly ponder over cultures and originality. Growing up in Austria with half of my family and of me being German, I obviously have been to proper German and Austrian christmas markets since I was born. They do possess a certain magic to me, which is why I hold them and the memory of them dear. Forsooth, I am against all form of commercialist exploitation but by the time we were strolling the Winter Wonderland in London, my homesickness had gotten so hard to bear, that I was craving for the even most touristic and clichΓ© forms of nostalgia. And yes, I was definitely persuading myself to buy a mulled wine for 5 pounds because nostalgia. I even suspect that one guy at a stall selling Kinderpunsch (non-alcoholic punch) - might've been German and just that thought made me very happy.
(afterthought: on the way to London, we changed trains and at the station, a very energetic man with cohort was striding past us, saying loudly "Heast do musst hoid den Schaffner frogn !!" - in the most pristine Austrian dialect. Obviously, I was over the moon, well I thought it was obvious until I realised that most people don't know what it's like to live so very far from home and thus don't get my excitement. But I didn't care and just felt very happy for a little moment.)

Additionally you can see some pictures of our quite horrendous hotel that made me think back longingly to my ten days stay at a youth hostel in London. 
Strangely, that was the first time I ever had English Breakfast and I didn't quite like it. Might've been due to the quality of it though, my being a vegetarian and not super fond of greasy food.

I've been asking myself so many questions about this town and life in general. 
It is interesting to live in the same country but still observe massive differences in living circumstances at one place compared to the other. While living in a fairly touristic town, that makes it easier to sustain oneself by offering a broad variety of bargain stores, in London, one has the feeling of needing to make a big effort to be able to live. It is, indeed, a very wealthy place and, unless I am severely misinformed, the most expensive city in the world. Even just staying there for a short span of time has made me slightly nervous about my finances, whereas, being in London last autumn, couldn't quite give me this feeling. This struck me as a very interesting realisation for my living circumstances have obviously changed quite strongly but certainly, my attitude towards spending money hasn't so much. Probably the second time being there (last year) has been just me, living a dream of freedom and understanding, coming to terms with what I wanted in one of the most exciting cities. 
This time, even if I necessarily felt very prepared or pressured, obviously I had the need to make the most of the 3 days being there… Somehow it still surprises me that I didn't develop a bad conscience for not thinking too academic about the whole experience. For the first time really, I didn't feel completely pressured to be in a city of a thousand possibilities to express oneself but even criticised the artworks in the Tate Modern.

(c) alissa cha, 2015

Friday, 9 January 2015

friday fun / ouch / heart's pumping full of inspiration / new

 (this is my shoulder)
head's hurting
from staying up all night to complete my essay
to that point where i was able to say
this expresses, in short, my views of the haute couture industry
in a nutshell, really
my appreciation would demand of a higher word count, blank paper, massive space
just majorly relieved to at least have some things finished
red eyes remind me of significant difficulties in time management
something's getting easier in life and i feel more
but at the same time that i'm taking care of myself 
(because, shout-out, that is really important, folks!)
sand grains are slipping through the giant hour glass
invisible but ever existent
over my head
infinitely grateful for my mum giving me some pastel chalk from the former czechoslovakia
it feels profound to work with materials that have seen a completely different world order
they enable me to work like the others, though my work still looks like none of theirs
i can't decide whether i am pleased with this or not
but at least my figure has finally achieved some plasticity, rather than just relying on outlines
and i find great interest in perceiving all these nuanced things
they truly give me a reason to see my every day in a detailed light

also, how wonderful are three-dimensional objects, reflections of things, warmth and cold - saturations, light
to be honest, i could be spending hours on end in vast halls
life drawing sessions but with coffee and tea
clad in traditional artists' aprons
hands covered in chalk dust
paint on my face
studying the human anatomy - things that are actually important in life

sometimes i feel a bit vain, taking so many pictures of myself
but given that i need to find some sort of stability, it is not out of vain reasons
in a way, selfies are for me like sketches when i am busy
reflections on the outside of what's going on inside of my head 
being a mythical creature, genderless, all these fleeting feelings 
that are lurking in my sub-conscious

thinking about having a body
or as my favourite 'faerie warrior poet musician' Grimes put it 
Being a body -----
i think especially when accepting one's human shape
a documentation of that can be helpful
sometimes it surprises me that i am shaped like other people
(a strange thought, i know)
but being reminded of oneself not actually being completely different
than anyone else, can be truly healthy
---
my shirt (project in garment construction) is starting to appear and i appreciate the way it fits
i wish i had the time and nerves to assemble a proper dandy outfit 
and be like one of these eccentric men 
but having a custom-fitted-made-by-me block of the shirt now
this feels like a beginning to that

i still haven't found out where my desire for making videos came from
maybe it is the feeling of actually having a say in this whole art spectrum that i need
been shaping an idea in my head
as to film developments and creation processes as well as sewing and all these things
i am just tired of the internet informing my art rather than facilitating its distribution
my only wish is to work in the real world with real people who actually appreciate what i do
with whom i can communicate and we could support each other 
i don't feel like i want to float somewhere in space like so many people
life seems so much less valuable without a direction
i don't need a constant party and meaningless talks about superficial things
sick to the core of mainstream music
being not here to pretend but make a change in society

there is an entrepreneur society to be formed at uni
and i keep my hopes high for it 
never felt like i would go on and strike a conventional path 
and i think i knew that since i was 11 or so
since then i've been pondering what might be wrong with me 
and why everyone else so effortlessly achieves things
with me working day and night without recognition

seriously, the amount of poetry that i have dedicated to this thought process is sheer endless
and i don't even want to face the reality, that all this wasted energy could have been used to create innovative things
it's so unfair really

so i pray for something to happen, anything significant at all - i will destroy myself and my work if it does not - that i know already

(i am aware of it being very counterproductive to be talking this openly on the internet about everything - but really, i am beyond caring at this point)

today i've watched 'pride and prejudice' - the historical mini-series from 1995 for the first time and it truly reignited my love for costumes. the classic hats that i've previously done research on enriched by dresses with empire waist and the most dreamy tailoring and menswear ever - just purely in love. also i feel really outraged about the lack of sophistication in today's society, i mean, i love youth culture and all these fancy abbreviations but how amazing would it be to just use old english diction? i'd be the happiest person if some of these values or mindsets would be appreciated these days, when men and women and everyone else actually treated love in a significant way ….
also, we have been given our book(s) for the costume design project we are meant to work on in the second semester and i am just over the moon. it all sounds so intriguing and i can not wait to get into the analysis of the characters and start sketching en gros, and just do heeeaaaaps of research work and to completely immerse myself in it. like, ugh, i'm just super excited for this promising new project.

just discovered this video of the making of process for costume design in the movie/musical 'into the woods' - and as much as i meanwhile convinced myself that i will work in fashion - this video just shows me exactly what i want to do. but sadly, my interests and activities are so widely-spread that it is immensely hard to pursue all of them. i can't be a professional musician right now because i have to focus on pattern cutting and completing my assignments for university. i can't always make professional films because i am recording something that does actually have to have an outcome. and it is also hard to get my illustrations for society6 going because i am so busy. sadly, it feels like even organisation skills would not make much of a difference - momentarily, it feels like i just have to live through doing all this work and as a reward i can do some work that personally means a lot to me.

but generally, i would be so incredibly happy to one day work on the costumes for a movie.
i am not the biggest fan of the exaggerated tropes that musicals display in order to reach a big audience and make things work on stage. movies are my air and some of them feel like memories of my own life because i connected to them on such a personal basis. thus, they are second to none - actors are portraying some sort of feeling that i just relate to so much, and if i were talented i'd love to try it myself, but movies are just like haute couture - good movies can turn the world around.

<<<disclaimer: sorry to my readers that are used to a more exalted way of writing - at the moment i just feel incredibly drained and by spending all my poetic and literary capacity + nerves on my essay and life, today has just been a ramble without my usual style. hope you can bear with me)

xoxo, alissa cha (january 9th, 2015)

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

marginalia while writing an essay

why the fuck did i ever bring procrastination in my life -
my mind feels so free when i am working on something fashion-wise

and yes, i've recently read that one should refrain from broadcasting one's whole life
but the epiphany, that ambitious labour promises so much more
than the distraction of life on a day-to-day basis
the unnecessary drama that so often pollutes my mind and the ones of others
just seems too pure and significant not to share

in this moment, i feel just incredibly happy
and i won't judge myself for this being whilst researching and writing my essay
i think we should embrace and cherish the happiness that comes to us
and share it
for dark feelings are everywhere anyhow
so why not make a difference?

(cha, january 7th, 2015)